This concept of an adult chaperone for young dating has been strongly impressed upon me repeatedly. And I’ll tell you right from the start, it’s different from the way things are usually done these days.
Parental approval is evaded and ignored in our society. Dates are often hidden conspiracies. A popular song says, “Don’t want to meet your daddy, just want you in my caddy.” (These musicians are high priests of Satan and will burn in hell for all the evil their music promotes.) When parents are evaded, you know there aren’t good intentions.
Gone are the days of the chaperone. Return they must.
Let’s talk about the pitfalls of modern dating habits and how adult chaperones can remediate most of these issues.
IS IT REALLY A “GROUP” EVENT?
Youth under 18 don’t need paired dating, any dating they do should be group events. This wise council has been given to us by the prophets. (As well as the council of no dating at all under age 16).
But not even this is sufficient protection as it is easily exploited. At ‘group date’ events, frequently the youths just pair off anyway, and it’s a commonly kept secret among the group that it wasn’t really a group-activity at all.
The solution? Send a trusted adult chaperone (usually a parent), even to seemingly innocent activities.
IS IT REALLY A “GIRLS / BOYS ONLY” ACTIVITY?
Another trick to beware is where the child says they’re going to spend time with friends of their gender, and the true plan is to meet up with kids of the opposite gender. Youths constantly conspire to do this in our permissive society. Even events where there will *supposedly only be one gender, adult chaperones are preferred, since that often turns out not to be the case. Let’s take the example of going to the fair – you already know the whole point of those events is for young people to meet. So let a parent come along, and see to it that fair play happens at the fair.
PUBLIC SCHOOLS POORLY SUPERVISED, ENCOURAGES ‘DOUBLE-LIFE’
One of the reasons public school is so dangerous is that the ability of a parent to make these inspections is compromised. Sending your child off for 8 hours a day without your supervision can quickly spiral into magnanimous catastrophe where attitudes are adopted of a most destructive and dishonest nature. Many children live two lives, the one at home and the other away from home, and you must work to prevent this.
In theory children are supervised at school, but we all know that’s not the case. There’s before class, after class, between classes, unatentive teachers, skipping classes, and so on.
The same goes for sport teams. Often these are great things, being highly structured and supervised. But again, watch out for what goes on before and after the events and so on.
WHERE? WHO? (REALLY?)
A common trick is when the child says they’re going to someone else’s house, and someone else’s parents will be there. Do you know what’s going on there? Do you know what kind of media they’ll experience there? Do you know if they’ll be in a basement without the parents which is basically a different house without supervision? Have you verbally verified with this other parent that they are actually present?
PARENTAL RIGHT TO SUPERVISE & VERIFY
Regular inspections and measures must be taken to ensure the child is doing what they say they are. The child needs to build trust with the parent by demonstrating that they are consistently honest in their social endeavors. Even when you think trust is established, occasional inspections must be performed. The parents has the right at any time to drop in on where the child is supposed to be and check on things, even if there’s supposed supervision already in place. If a child scoffs at this and accuses the parent of not trusting them, reassure them that this is standard protocol, and that they have nothing to worry about if their behaviors honestly align with their reports.
EXPECT CONSISTENT BEHAVIOR
There’s a common misconception that you shouldn’t expect your children to behave the same way at someone else’s house as they would at yours. But the very purpose of training them at your house is so they will act a certain way in all settings. The parent has every right to inspect the child’s activities at any time and any place.
KNOW THE FAMILY, BE IN THEIR HOME
An important key here is to actually know the parents of where the children say they are going. Be in their home before you ever allow your child to. If your child truly is interested in this person as a friend, what would they have against you getting to know them?
DISCERN WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY
Every family has (or should have) standards, goals, and a unique culture. It’s a simple fact that other families will not be conducive to your family mission. Everyone is at a different place in life. But it is a foolish parent who lets their child go wherever they wish without verifying that said activities will be conducive to the family vision. Sure, there’s flexibility in this, but there’s also common sense, red flags, and gut feelings that should be respected.
TEACH PRINCIPLES, THEN EXERT PROPER AUTHORITY
And when a parent says ‘no,’ that’s not to be questioned, nor does it need justification. ‘Because I said so’ is actually a perfectly acceptable answer. Children need to learn respect for authority, or they’re going to have a very hard life, and minimal self-control. Naturally a concerned parent will give lessons all the time about the family culture and why that matters, but sometimes the answer is simply NO to a certain activity, person, home, etc.
Some parents have forgotten the fact that parents are the leaders of the family, and do have authority over their children. For a great review on these points, see my review of Dr. Leonard Sax’s book, “The Collapse of Parenting” here: https://richardsonstudies.com/book-collapse-parent/
We all know there’s such a thing as “unrighteous dominion,” but perhaps we have forgotten that there is also “righteous dominion.” Read the Family Proclamation, it’s in there. There’s no such thing as a functioning organization of any kind without some kind of hierarchy. The days of ‘hands-off’ parenting are over, they have failed, we are returning to the wisdom of all of human history before 100 years ago.
There’s a popular saying nowadays that parents and caregivers should ‘never say no’ to a child. This complete abandonment of parental authority is repulsive. Parents should make a practice of saying no and of teaching children obedience for the sake of obedience, which is a critical life skill for them to learn. Yes we want to empower the child, yes we want to avoid power struggles, but the way to do that is not to bow down and be their rug. Children have the right to strong parental leadership to help them in their vulnerable stages of early life.
ADULTS SHOULD BE AT ALL YOUTH ACTIVITIES
Having an adult present is the most surefire protection to help with these all-too-frequent issues of delinquency. If youths want to go to the movies, you’re going with them. They want to go to a fair, you’re going too. If they want to play night games at the park, you’ll be there. If they want to go to the mall, you’ll be there.
Family-based events rather than individual based events are often helpful, such as two families getting together for a movie instead of two children getting together for a movie.
You might say the family is not available to be going around doing these things all the time. That’s true, and neither should be the child! Endless free-time is unnatural and unhealthy.
CHURCH ACTIVITIES CAN BE POSITIVE SUPERVISED PEER TIME
Church activities can be helpful in these matters since adult chaperones are present (though parental and even family participation should be encouraged at these events as an added layer of protection and to encourage higher quality at the events).
SCOUTS CAN BE POSITIVE SUPERVISED PEER TIME
Scouting can also be useful since adult chaperones are present, though some troops are better than others. Some will even pray. It’s probably a good idea to ensure the local troop for your sons is a boys-only troop. It’s understandable why the church pulled its official support and involvement with the Scouts – their overall policy is too permissive. But there can still be good local troops, you have to look into that on your own. Interestingly, many troops report their events being much better after the church pulled out of scouting, as there weren’t so many boys there who didn’t really want to be there anymore.
SPECIFIC PLANS FOR LIMITED UNSUPERVISED EVENTS
If there’s a very good reason why youths should have time without direct adult supervision, and trust is in place, plans should still be made. First, this shouldn’t be frequent or time intensive (for one, the child has more important things to do. Careless play time is particularly done in very early ages, and mostly with siblings at home, and perhaps a few trusted neighbors of convenience). Next, a specific useful activity should be planned. No mere “hanging out.”
NEVER TOGETHER ALONE IN YOUTH
And of course, two young people should never be home alone. They shouldn’t be alone any place. But they will try to be, so we help them by taking measures to prevent that inappropriate isolation. Calls that are made at the house must be in the presence of the parent. (And if you’re renting an apartment to a young family member, make a rule that they cannot bring anyone of the opposite sex into that apartment).
Young people like to jump to things too fast, and having a parent present helps them to avoid premature types of conversations and actions. The actions don’t come without the conversations.
CHAPERONE THE CELL PHONE: LIMIT UNLIMITED PEER COMMUNICATIONS
One way to help this issue is to not give them a phone to coordinate these complex maneuvers (or even to pull them from public schools, those highly under-structured places).
Phones are a key dating tool. One way to know if your child is dating is whether they have a cell phone – if they have a cell phone, they’re dating. That’s what these things are for. At no time should a minor living under your supervision have a personal phone, particularly one that is not consistently monitored and limited by the parent.
Ideally there’s a family phone (or perhaps a few family phones), not an individual phone. A mature youth can borrow that phone as needed.
Children have an uncanny ability to hack any security systems in place, so don’t give them the opportunity. Time with a phone can be rare brief moments under direct supervision. We should all know by now as well that no screens of any kind should be in bedrooms, ever. No screens in bedrooms has been recommended by prophets and scientists.
Phones are powerful tools for good and evil. I can hear the chorus now, listing the reasons why a kid should have a phone. Please find ways around this. In an emergency there should in theory be an adult around with a phone which a child can use. Remember that thing called actually talking to humans that are around you? You could try that, even if just in the event of an emergency. Children shouldn’t have all the powers of an adult, and make no mistake, phones are tremendously powerful.
Arrangements can typically be made beforehand rather than last minute, and this would eliminate much of the supposed need of phones. For example, “this activity ends at 9 at this location. Can you pick me up then?” “Sure.”
Useful apps can be used on the family phone with prudence and sparingly. I would caution even against the supposedly ‘child-safe’ phones. In general you simply don’t want your child to have unlimited communication powers even with calls and texts, so even a phone without internet is not entirely safe. But a simple phone without internet is a great improvement if such is absolutely required. It is very rare that a child will have the level of maturity that requires having a smartphone, such as making trips alone out of the country; I’ve heard of those cases but that’s not the norm.
DON’T RUSH
Don’t rush your child to grow up. Yes get them working yes teach them realities of life yes give them responsibility yes help them grow up, but don’t put too much power in their hands too soon. Let them gain some maturity before these things are given. As the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility, so if they can’t handle the responsibility, why would you give them the power? Good things can become bad things when given in the wrong dose or wrong time or place or with the wrong person.
In our society 18 is the typical age where the child fully embraces adult life. This is the age where the parent can no longer make all the rules, particularly if this young adult is no longer living at home. If they are living at home of course rules appropriate should be in place, such as no bringing over anyone of the opposite sex to their room (or other unsupervised locations like being alone in a basement theatre).
RIGHT PLACE (TEMPLE) AND RIGHT PERSON MEANS IT’S THE RIGHT TIME
Along these lines I’ll repeat helpful advice from the ensign Church magazine I heard years ago, mainly that when it comes to marriage, when you’ve got the right place and the right person, it is the right time. The Latter-Day saints are known for their ability to create and maintain successful marriages even from Young ages. With proper childhood training about appropriate boundaries and expectations for dating in marriage, young people can embrace the happy institution of marriage at a relatively younger age than most of society can handle it. But this is a far cry different from the typical scene of young teenagers running around without supervision getting into all kinds of mischief with cell phones and the unsupervised dating those phones are used to arrange. That lawlessness is not conducive to family life, nor will it prepare a person for such.
STANDARDS PREPARE YOUTH FOR YOUNG FULFILLING ROMANCE & MARRIAGE
Teach your children that if they want to have a happy marriage and not wait around about it, they need to Pace themselves with appropriate dating standards and respect the boundaries the parents have set. Some parents seem to be oblivious to the council of the prophets to not do paired dating in the initial stages of dating. They also seem oblivious to the council of the profits to not date at all before age 16. If any dating is to occur at age 16, it is to be fun get to know you group events with a chaperone, not romantic, not holding hands, not boyfriend girlfriend, not alone. If you are not ready for marriage, you’re not ready for paired dating or alone time. For young men this means wait for these things until after a mission. For young women this means wait for these things until the age of marriage namely not before 18.
AIM FOR MARRIAGE ONCE REACHED ADULT AGE
Historically marriage at a slightly younger age may have been much more feasible since people in general were taught work and responsibility and moral standards as a basic reality. In today’s culture, 18 should be the minimum age for marriage, even though some states will allow slightly earlier with parental consent. Marriage is the ultimate social arrangement and what everyone should be working towards, and progress toward this goal will most likely come when the child and the parent understand and respect prophetic counsel concerning what we call the dating stage. Many young people will not have interest in any sort of activities with the opposite sex until their adult life, and this is natural. But there are those who do wish for these things earlier, that is also natural, and is appropriate if standards are in place. Truly each person is unique and must follow their heart.
BEWARE DELAYING MARRIAGE
Another caution is against delaying marriage as is now popular into the later years where the number of children in the family will be sadly reduced from the age of the newlyweds. You might think it’s ironic that I call for young marriage in my message of not dating too early. But when a young person is raised to be mature and with solid standards, they’ll be ready when the time comes for marriage, and that time will come sooner for a mature person than it would for a careless person who knows no limits.
Sometimes a person must wait until a later age to find a compatible person in the gospel, but I believe more often the delay of marriage is due to a popular attitude that life is about frivolous fun, rather than about building meaningful structures that will last.
Make no mistake, the duty of the Latter-Day Saint is centered on the family. Any other work we do in life is auxiliary to that. Let family life be the context of your journey, not the end point of it. Grow together. It is not good that man should be alone.
FUN & FULFILLMENT IN THE CONTEXT OF STANDARDS
Finally, a word of temperance, that is child is different, and there are different parenting styles, so each family is going to do things differently. But let’s avoid the prevailing societal attitude of excessive permissiveness in the realm of parenting. We want kids to have good experiences, we want them to have fun, we want them to have responsibility and maturity and to drive and have fun social outings into have a job where such is prudent and they aren’t otherwise busily engaged at home in their studies and other family contributions. But in all of our desiring for the child to be happy and grow, we must stand by a prophetic counsel and good logic and recognize the immense dangers which can easily be remediated by a few helpful standards.
DELAYED PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT IS CATASTROPHIC
Long before a young person is thinking about marrying someone, the conversations with the parent about the person and asking of the parent should be done. Explicitly train your children on this point. Usually when people are ready to become engaged it is too late to seek parental permission, as the couple is then so committed that they will disregard parental advice on the matter. Parental involvement advice and obedience to parents are needed from the beginning of a courtship and all throughout it.
FIGHT FOR YOUR CHILDREN
You must accept the reality that the parent is at war with the child it loves. Lovers are fighters. As your child grows into the ages where romance is biologically interesting, the parent, out of the love for the child, must also fight, and often in opposition to the immature and therefore inappropriate ways of the child.
They may think it strange, but some things need to change around here.
Remember in the old days. When society was much more successful at keeping God’s law of chastity. In those days, adult chaperones were a given.
RESOURCES
-This article, “To Date or Not to Date” by Hannah Stoddard does a great job of highlighting the stupidity of modern dating norms, and the need to return to old-fashioned courtship practices: https://josephsmithfoundation.org/to-date-or-not-to-date-that-is-the-question/
-“Courageous” is a good Christian movie which in part involves a father who is involved in who his daughter dates, and explains to her that he needs to meet the family first. The theme of the movie is increased father involvement in family life.
-See also my related article, “Family-Based Church Activities” https://richardsonstudies.com/2025/09/25/family-based-church-activities/
