Thoughts shared with permission from Molly Wren Christensen:
God brought him to you for a reason! Please don’t let your hope fade. There are always solutions. A therapist is [sometimes] a good idea [particularly one who shares your values].
Trying new things and trying harder is good, but frustrating because when things don’t work, you feel stuck in a cycle. What I found was that when I get stuck in a cycle like that, I need to change something about the way I am thinking about the situation (aka mindset).
We are here on earth to learn to become more like the savior, right? That means acting like him, but it also means *thinking* like him, which is the precursor to how we act. Things can’t change until we do, and we can’t change until we change the way we are thinking.
One thing that really helped with harder kids is reframing the story. When you tell the story that a child is hard, had problems, we can’t deal with it, I don’t know what to do, we have to fix this kid, etc, you put the focus on all the hard things. And what you focus on, grows.
Instead, try reframing how you’re thinking about him. A person who has pain will have misbehavior problems because they hurt inside. (Hurt people hurt people.) You know this child is an amazing human being, but it’s really hard to remember when the behavior doesn’t match. Instead write a new story of how you want to see your child. Include gratitude. Also realize he doesn’t *want* to be this way, he just doesn’t know how to change.
This isn’t a fast fix, but it helps a ton with how YOU feel and act/react in the situation.
Is [the parents] calm when she is approaching him or is she feeling angry? It helps to reframe the behavior training in the way that it’s not personal (on either side), but that it’s just a skill to for him to learn, and that you as parents are there to help him. Therapy can help with giving more skills and helping to reframe it that way too. [You parents are] probably exhausted, and I know that it is hard to shift a mindset when you start to feel so stuck and that nothing is ever going to change.
What does your gut say about this situation? What inspiration are you getting about what YOU can change?
