- Foster children are CRAZY / DANGEROUS.
2. Foster children can’t CHANGE.
3. Foster kids will never feel a real part of MY family, even if we adopt them.
4. The LOSS of caring for a child and returning them to their parents is too much for me.
5. I know a foster parent, and they’re still waiting for a placement. DEMAND for foster parents must not be very big.
6. Being a foster parent would be too DRAINING.
7. I can’t FINANCIALLY afford to take in or adopt children.
8. Level 2 and 3 foster children, as well as sibling groups, are too hard, and should be avoided.
9. I don’t have TIME to foster children, I already have children of my own.
10. I can’t take in more children because I want to focus on “quality not quantity” for the children I already have.
…Now let me explain… - Foster children are CRAZY / DANGEROUS.
Well… actually no, they’re kids, and they have as much capacity to love and be loved as anyone. When my wife and I got foster children, it quickly occurred to us, “oh, they’re just kids!” We don’t need to label them as “foster children”. They are just “children”. At the end of the day, the only label we should put on anyone is “child of God.” I hear parents say that they don’t want their other children to be molested or taught bad habits by foster children being introduced to their homes. Though it might seem harsh to you, a reality is that you can tell your case worker that the placement is not going to work for your family. Even if some placements won’t be ok for you, you don’t have to denounce fostering altogether. Also, when you sign up for fostering, you fill out a form that says which behaviors you’re willing to have in your placements. For example, if you don’t want a child with a drug or pornography addiction or who is sexually active or physically abusive, you can check boxes letting your case worker know that those type of placements are best suited elsewhere. There are plenty, I would say the majority, of foster children who don’t fall into these categories. Even those who do have serious behavioral issues, those can change! Think of the environment they were in, versus the environment they will be in at your home. Trust that the new environment (including love) will change their lives for the better in big ways! Therapy will be provided too. Throughout your journey as a foster parent, your list of what can and can’t enter your home may change, but it’s always up to you. Further, your biological children can be plenty crazy too! You can’t always discern if a child is going to have bad behaviors later in life, but the same goes for your biological children. Parenting in general involves risk taking, but alas, it involves even more inspiration and power.
2. Foster children can’t CHANGE.
Well… Let’s use a phrase Thomas Monson liked to say, “A leopard can’t change it’s spots, but men aren’t leopards, and they change every day.” Humans are extremely resilient creatures, and can even heal from the trauma of being transplanted. Remember the Lord’s vineyard, he grafts where he will, and works to create fruit in his mysterious way. God’s power is strong enough to heal. Also, not all foster children even need to change! Just because they’ve been thrown into the system doesn’t mean they’re going to have intense behavioral problems. You’ll be surprised at how quickly they can adapt and overcome behavioral issues. Rest assured that you don’t have to be the perfect parent to bring needed change into your foster or adopted child’s life. As you create a relationship with each child, you’ll be giving them great power.
3. Foster kids will never feel a real part of MY family, even if we adopt them.
Well… The scriptures have a theme of adoption, perhaps a most common theme! Scattering, gathering, grafting, adopting to the House of Israel, isn’t that the whole point of Jesus Christ? Also, Heavenly Father and Mother are the universal parents of us all, and we can all bond under their parentage. “Biological” children? Well, as you raise your child, you effect their biology in the brain and everywhere else. They wouldn’t be the same without you, just like any other child. Also, a biological child can be very different from its parents. If your foster children are from a different culture or race, don’t let that get to you. Everyone will embrace them, and you’ll find love for them and appreciation for the unique things they bring to your family. Children who look different than their parents can learn to deal with that, and both the parent and child can be better for it, getting a head start on tolerance and love. There is no such thing as a superior race.
4. The LOSS of caring for a child and returning them to their parents is too much for me.
Well… “To have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all.” Looking for refugees? Here they are! You can tell them, “We are going to have you stay with us while your parents are taking some time to practice. You might stay here, but we’re trying to help your parents get ready to have you back. We will do what’s best for you, and we will have a good time!” This is a hard thing to tell a child, but it’s their reality, and you’re going to make it better for them than they can possibly imagine.
5. I know a foster parent, and they’re still waiting for a placement. DEMAND for foster parents must not be very big.
Well… Most foster parents only want an infant and only 1 of them. If you don’t have these barriers, there are tons of foster children waiting for temporary and permanent homes. However great your loss of caring for a child and letting it go, it isn’t as big as the loss the child is experiencing. If you’re willing to be involved in whatever comes to this child, you’ll be transferring some of the loss that child will have to bear upon your own shoulders. God will succor both the foster child, and the foster parent, until their cups are overflowing.
6. Being a foster parent would be too DRAINING.
Well… There’s a magic secret here that I’ll compare to being a full time missionary. Remember how happy you were despite being busy? Remember how things always seemed to work out despite all? Remember feeling close to Jesus Christ every hour? Remember having strength to do things you never before thought possible? Fostering is the best kept secret: full time missionary service for married young people without stacks of money set aside for full time parenting! Foster kids give you more than you give them. Children are magic, and foster children are no different. At first your capacity to care for children (and children with special needs) will be small, but as sure as anything, it will grow, along with your capacity to experience joy!
7. I can’t FINANCIALLY afford to take in or adopt children.
Well… This is a serious concern, but I’ll tell you some things that will help. If you have a child / children who have significant behavior issues which will directly correlate to increased costs, the state will likely give you a permanent post-adopt subsidy which will cover or at least highly supplement these costs. Additionally, while fostering, there will always be a stipend to help cover food and other costs. We think of adopting children as something rich people do, hearing about tens of thousands in adoption fees, but if you adopt via foster care, it’s free and the state will always give them medicate until they are age 18.
8. Level 2 and 3 foster children, as well as sibling groups, are too hard, and should be avoided.
Well… If children come as siblings, they’ll have people they love who understand what they’re going through, this will help them adapt to your home. Higher level children are classed that way sometimes because they’ve been in a number of foster homes without finding a permanent placement. This could be because the homes they were previously in were only transition homes, or there was a clash with siblings, or the placement wasn’t intended to be permanent. None of these mean the children are inherently unrecoverable, or that you can’t help them in your home!
9. I don’t have TIME to foster children, I already have children of my own.
Well… Children take care of each other. They become each other’s best friends, entertainers, and helpers. I think having 1 child would be the hardest number since they would always be begging for your attention, having no other immediate and available playmates. As for meals, increasing meals to accommodate more people is much easier than the transition from having no children to 1 child. As for housing, did you know they make triple bunk beds? Also, let your kids play outside if you’re worried about housing space. Harvard professors say that the world is safer today than ever, so just don’t watch too much television, and you’ll feel fine about letting your kids play outside. “Many hands make light work”, and yes, this applies to children.
10. I can’t take in more children because I want to focus on “quality not quantity” for the children I already have.
Well… Think about the kind of life these kids are having in the foster system (basically orphans). Giving 10 people basic needs (like nutrition & love) is better than giving 5 people the skill of playing a piano. Will the eternal soul of your child be in jeopardy if they don’t have private tutors in each subject, and all the best for Christmas? No. However, will the eternal soul of your child be in jeopardy if they never learn to share, to love people different than themselves, to be patient, to serve the poor? Being a sibling is a great scenario to learn those critical traits.
CONCLUSION:
Perhaps foster parenting is not for everyone, but I submit that it’s for more people than most people think. The need is there. Who will answer while it stands? Once you start foster parenting, you wonder why you lived so long without it (and so will the kids you take in). In an ideal world, kids are indeed raised by their married birth mother and birth father. Until that day, lets contribute in powerful LOCAL ways to bring world peace, remembering “Once I was a stranger.”
As it was said in General Conference, how we react to the refugees of our day will determine the destiny of our souls. “Being a refugee may be a defining moment in the lives of those who are refugees, but being a refugee does not define them. Like countless thousands before them, this will be a period—we hope a short period—in their lives… This moment does not define them, but our response will help define us.” (Refuge from the Storm By Elder Patrick Kearon Of the Seventy, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/04/refuge-from-the-storm?lang=eng)
In the early days of the restoration of the gospel, two African sisters were converted, escaped slavery, and traveled 600 miles on back roads lest they be apprehended, traveling to join with the saints. They knocked on Joseph Smith’s door late one night, waking him and Emma. They related their account and said they had nowhere to go, and asked what they should do. Joseph looked to Emma and said, “Emma, these sisters say they have nowhere to stay. Is that true, Emma?” She responded, “No Joseph, they can stay here.” She was not treated in Joseph and Emma’s home as a slave or servant, but as one of the family. Joseph and Emma astonishingly often took people into their home, and often on very short notice.
